It feels like I’m always running.
To find someplace better, to reach a goal, to catch up, to get away from the present, to hide from the past.
I don’t know what I’m searching for, but I can’t stay here.
The passing of time is my source of hope and inspiration. Somewhere, sometime in the future, I’ll finally feel at ease. At home.
One more month until my birthday! What should I buy for myself this year?
…to be continued~
Move over, we’re comin’ in too. (Photography by Magdalena Wosinska)
haha I love this
Blake Lively & Beyoncé on the set of ‘Run’.
um um um o.o! 2 of my idols together
I want to get this down so I won’t forget.
What if I was blindly forcing myself to forgive you? Your apology didn’t sound sincere, but I accepted it at the time and told you that you were still an important friend to me. I said that I wasn’t angry or upset but that I felt dumb.
And that’s the problem isn’t it? I never let myself get angry at you for hurting me. Instead, I blamed myself. I wanted to hurry up and get over you so I could stop burdening you with my feelings and go back to you…and not because I wanted to heal.
Realizing this is a bit shocking.
Ultimately I do want to forgive you. (Letting go of anger and grievances is one of my good points, though I may have done it to an extreme.) But maybe I don’t want to forgive you yet.
Instead of pushing myself and setting deadlines, I want to try letting myself heal naturally. That way we really can be comfortable friends in the future.
Now I can see that I have done similar things before. Last time I felt so betrayed by the two people I thought were my closest friends, but I never let myself get angry. Internalizing that pain and not letting it out messed me up a lot. Honestly, I think it was from that moment that I began to feel worthless. I hated myself for resenting them and got myself to believe that I deserved everything I was going through. I was a bad person after all who couldn’t even be happy for her friends.
It’s been years since that happened and I’ve sincerely forgiven them by now, but I wonder how things may have been different if I had only stood up for my feelings at the time instead of running away.
JYJ - Let me see
So good. Another one of my faves from this album.
Does depression ever get better? Or is it actually a matter of learning how to better cope with it?
I stopped going to therapy because there wasn’t any more progress. The sessions gave me a sense of why I feel this way and maybe how my depression developed, but it didn’t change the fact that I feel this way.
And it doesn’t help that I go through phases: okay days, the rare good day, and then the really bad days. I never know if I’m getting better or if I’m just cycling.
I am a bit concerned though. Over the past year, the times that and ease with which I think about hurting or killing myself has increased. There have only been a couple of times when i was seriously tempted, but for the most part, I’m pretty certain I won’t actually follow through.
Actually, I think it’s kind of like sleep to me- a way to stop thinking about everything else. It’s strangely calming. Yesterday, I started to think about if I could actually kill myself by stabbing myself in the heart. I concluded that I’d probably fail. (I think I’d need to be more familiar with thoracic anatomy and physically stronger to have a chance of succeeding.)
Anyway, the point is that I certainly don’t feel like I’m getting better. And I feel like the longer I cycle through these phases, the darker my thoughts will end up.
But as a highly functional person, I think I’ll get through life okay. And it’s a good thing I’ve landed myself in the medical world where there’s no lack of responsibilities and routines, two things that I can fall back on to push (or drag) me through a rough day.
Pumpkin Pie Bagels | Seasons and Suppers
these exist? :O